have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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