I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
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About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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