guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
you never un-have a 4some
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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