Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
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he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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