I'm jealous of your bromance
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She even gives head with a lisp.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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