Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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