it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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