the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
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we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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