Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I need a burrito and a hug.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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