You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize