Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize