i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
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We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
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It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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