well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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