He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize