Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
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Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
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Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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