we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
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You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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