I wish my penis had an off switch
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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