Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
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Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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