What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
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We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
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He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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