When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
organizing the empties. That sober.
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
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So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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