My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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