I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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