told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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