I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
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Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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