Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
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after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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