can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
thus making me awesome and them whores
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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