Cold hands, warm shart.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
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all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
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I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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