and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
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THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
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Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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