you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
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Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
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Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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