he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
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We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
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Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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