WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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