Your dad touched me again.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
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i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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