I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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