Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
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the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
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I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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