were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
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We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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