I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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