First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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