is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
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Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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