All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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