I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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