I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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