I am midnight drunk by noon
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
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If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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