I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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