Me. At least after what I've been through.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize