if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
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The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
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Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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