And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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