did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
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i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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