I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
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I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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