Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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