How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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